Cookie Cutter T-Shirt

Kermit has nothing on Cookie Monster. Being green may be no bed of roses, but what’s really hard is being a blue monster with an eating disorder. It seems like everywhere he goes on 123 Sesame Street someone is yelling at Cookie Monster for eating so many cookies. He can’t get enough of those things! He has a serious problem!

Really, we should have noticed the warning signs. The manic fits of binge eating. The fact that I’m pretty sure 95% of the cookies he “ate” fell out of his mouth in crumbs. The bottom line is it shouldn’t have come to this. It shouldn’t have come to the Cookie Cutter t-shirt. In it, the lovable blue fur ball has made the ultimate decision — to take his own life. Sadly, it seems we were just moments too late. We find Cookie with the bloody razor blade still dripping in his hand, his last cookie lying poetically at his side with nary a tooth mark. The gory details are written all over his wrist.

It’s shocking, really. First David Foster Wallace, now this? Why, God, why couldn’t it have been Elmo, instead?

Details:
Color: Black
Sizes: M-2XL
Price: from $22

Can you tell me how to get to the suicide prevention facility? Get your Cookie Cutter t-shirt here.

Hiding Jesus T-Shirt

There’s a lot of guess work involved for the religious devotee, with most deities walking a fine line between benevolent omnipresence and absentee landlord. This leads to ideas like “finding Jesus”. What does that mean, exactly? This very question is raised in the Hiding Jesus t-shirt.

In this pithy tee, a cartoon version of our boy J is shown hiding inside a bit of foliage — a bush, to be exact. The savvy Bible thumping veteran will note that the bush Jesus hides in is not on fire. I’m not really sure what that would mean if it was aflame. Probably best it isn’t. As it stands, there’s some text above and below the unlit brush reading, “If I have to find Jesus” and then below, “does that mean he’s hiding?”

I think it was Hulk Hogan who once said, “Religion is 98% parable and 2% perspiration.” What that means is, you’re not supposed to take a lot of what religion tells you literally. Finding Jesus means, I don’t know, learning how to love children and Nicholas Sparks novels, not looking for the Man, Himself.

But that’s not nearly as funny as imagining Jesus on the lam.

Details:
Color: Black
Sizes: M-2XL
Price: from $22

PHYSICAL CHALLENGE: The first person who finds Jesus should get the Hiding Jesus t-shirt here.

Say Tweet Again T-Shirt

Ugh, Twitter. It’s everywhere. Lil’ Wayne has one. Ashton Kutcher has one. Your mom has one. As with many things that achieve a certain level of ubiquity, Twitter has drawn the ire of a percentage of the population. You can count Jules from Pulp Fiction among that demographic.

In the Say Tweet Again t-shirt, Jules dares you – no, he double dares you – to say “tweet” just one more time. He does this from a black, shadowy graphic on the bottom half of the shirt. Oh, by the way, he’s also holding a gun to your head, and he just shot some dude on the couch.

This shirt gets its inspiration from a scene in Pulp Fiction in which Jules attempts to extract certain information from a rather nervous young fellow who keeps repeating “What?” to Jules’ questions. Obviously, this makes Jules’ job difficult, which makes Jules angry. The guy ends up getting popped.

We can’t be sure what Jules’ intentions are in the shirt, but it seems pretty clear he doesn’t want to hear “tweet” again. You might want to just cancel your account altogether. It’s not worth a bullet in the brain.

Details:
Color: Army
Sizes: Men S-3XL; Women S-XL
Price: $10

I double dare you to get your Say Tweet Again t-shirt here.

My Lightsaber T-Shirt

Worlds be collidin’ in this latest Split Reason t-shirt! On one hand you have Jules Winnfield, hired hitman from the film Pulp Fiction, as played by Samuel L. Jackson. On the other hand you have Jedi Councillor Mace Windu from Star Wars III, also played by Sam Jackson. Together, you have the My Lightsaber T-Shirt.

This shirt does a good job splitting its cinematic references right down the middle. That’s certainly Jules’ jheri-curled head, but he’s noticeably clothed in a Jedi tunic. Staying with the Star Wars theme, we see Windu’s tell-tale purple lightsaber, but we’re told we know this is Mace’s weapon because his is the one that says “Bad Mother Fucker”, which is also what Jules’s wallet says in Pulp Fiction. This shirt is finely layered like a first class piece of tiramisu.

With this shirt you can spend hours, even days debating your friends on which character is more memorable or cooler… Okay, let’s be honest, Jules Winnfield is the real BMF. Mace Windu? Um, he can levitate? I think what this shirt is really saying is that we all wish there was a little more Jules in Mace.

Details:
Colors: Silver
Sizes: S-XXL
Price: from $18.95

I know what you’re thinking. The My Lightsaber t-shirt needs a Snakes on a Plane reference. You’re wrong.

Who’s Your Daddy T-Shirt

I suppose a baby could see this Who’s Your Daddy t-shirt and not get it, but outside of babies, everybody will get the joke. What’s strange is that the phrase “Who’s your daddy?” has been fairly popular since the ’80s, yet it’s taken until 2010 (just two years until the world is destroyed by asteroids and pterodactyls) for someone to put Darth Vader and “Who’s your daddy?” together on a shirt. A round of applause for DeezTeez!

If you’re a baby and don’t know the story, it goes like this: Darth Vader is really Anakin Skywalker. He marries Natalie Portman because he’s into older chicks, but he murders her via strangulation/heart-breakage. (?) Before she dies Natalie gives birth to Anakin’s seeds, Luke and Leia. Luke and Leia grow up and make out a few times never knowing they are related or that their father is now the Sith’s #1 enforcer, Darth Vader. At one point, father and son have each lightsabered the other’s arm off and Dad reveals his true identity to Son, then dies

Details:
Colors: Black
Sizes: S-3XL
Price: from $14.99

It’s not the happiest story, so it could use a little pick-me-up, which is why the Who’s Your Daddy t-shirt is a welcome addition to the Star Wars oeuvre.

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